“If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ in the dictionary.”-David Sedaris
“I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than the things I haven’t done, mainly because I’ve done some pretty regrettable things.”-David Sedaris
“Growing up is optional, but adulthood is mandatory – unfortunately.”-David Sedaris
“My idea of a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.”-David Sedaris
“The key to happiness? Lower your expectations and carry a good book.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship.”-David Sedaris
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party.”-David Sedaris
“I have a strict ‘no trespassing’ policy. It applies to people, places, and Mondays.”-David Sedaris
“Life is like riding a bicycle. Except the bicycle is on fire, and you’re in hell.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not saying I’m indecisive, but I can’t even commit to that statement.”-David Sedaris
“The early bird can have the worm. I’ll sleep in and order pizza.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not clumsy; it’s just the floor hates me, the tables are bullies, and the chairs are out to get me.”-David Sedaris
“I’m allergic to mornings, responsibility, and other people’s drama.”-David Sedaris
“Some people bring joy wherever they go. Others bring joy whenever they go.”-David Sedaris
“Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.”-David Sedaris
“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not sure if I have free time or if I’m just forgetting everything I was supposed to do.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not old; I’m just chronologically gifted.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not a control freak. I just know what’s best and want everyone to do it my way.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not ignoring you; I’m just giving you space to realize your mistake.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not antisocial; I’m socially selective.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not ignoring you; I’m just giving you space to realize your mistake.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not antisocial; I’m socially selective.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not a quitter; I’m just excellent at strategic retreats.”-David Sedaris
“I’m not disorganized; I’m creatively chaotic.”-David Sedaris